Count Chocula and the Monster Cereals are back….for now.

I woke up on Sunday morning to get some cereal before football started at the Vons right down the street from my apartment in Toluca Lake.  It was more routine than anything else and I started going through the motions: Get cereal, get bread, get milk, get Gatorade, pay and leave. 

I walk into the cereal aisle to check out what sugar cereals are currently on sale, which to my surprise was a 17 oz box of Froot Loops at $2.50.  I was not complaining in the least bit but I wasn’t jazzed about this find, either.  I look to my left as I was walking out of the aisle and gave a double take usually reserved for hot babes.  Much to my surprise/shock, I see a nice stack of Boo Berry waiting to be purchased. 

My heart and mind started racing.  Was I dreaming?  Did Vons only order Boo Berry and not the other Monster Cereal brethren?  Both questions eventually answered no.

I walk around the corner to the next aisle and there, Frankenberry boxes were set up in the same manner.  Tears started to well up.  I couldn't believe this was actually happening.  I was close to cereal shopping a perfect trip.

The last time I had consumed either of these Amazing cereals was April, 2008 in Memphis, TN.  The three year quest for the holy cereal grail led me to the highest of highs and lowest of lows.  I figured General Mills discontinued the brand until September 18th, 2011.  A day that will go down in cereal history.  

I loaded up my cart with several more boxes of Frankenberry and my excitement reached a fever pitch. Here's a look at my cart after Berry Brothers Boo and Franken...

I decided to ditch the pursuit of gatorade and grabbed a loaf of bread as fast as I could.  I searched everywhere in the store to complete the Cereal Triumvirate.  Finally after an exhausting 23 seconds (I timed for real), I found him.  Looking so smug like a hot ex-girlfriend.  Just pulled me right back in.  I didn't ask questions, I just knew I needed to get back together, right here, right now.  I decided to be a little more judicious with my spending so I only got 3 boxes each as you can see here.

I checked out of the grocery store and sped home.  When you get to buy this caliber of cereals, you must make sure you put them on display.  It wouldn't be fair to their journey or all the hard work I put into making this experience a reality.

September 18th, 2011 turned out to be my Christmas and I'm happy as Heaven that it came early.  This run will come to an end at some point (Vons staff claimed the cereals were here through October 31st, which gives me plenty of time to stock up), but the ride will last a lifetime.  The annals of history and Cereal Historians for many generations to come will be talking about this day forever.  If you need a box or need an actual taste-test, let me know.  I live for this cereal.

 (so pretty)

Update to the Website (State of the (web) Address)

To my loyal readers,

I took a month off to really figure out the direction I wanted to take the blog while also taking much criticism (positive and negative) from you all.  I decided to make this blog exclusively about cereal.  If this announcement seems unexpected, you need to recount my previous excerpts.

I posted only two other posts regarding pizza and popsicles.  While these foods still hold a sizable portion of my heart, cereal takes up the other 88% of my heart.  Cereal got me my metabolism.  Pizza slowed it down.  Cereal starts off my day, everyday.  Popsicles can end my day and give me a brain-freeze.

Pizza is also too subjective.  I recognize that this is a subjective blog, I felt it would be unfair to all pizza chains or restaurants that I would never be able to consume to give a true analysis on what is the best (and worst).  Popsicles have become to healthy conscious and that is infuriating for me because its not about my health but about the taste.  And the Popsicle brand has taken considerable market share over the past decade that I would have to dedicate much of my time to writing about just them.  So forget that.

Which brings me back to cereal.  There are so many things that I have yet to cover and reviews that I need to write which will become the more focal points of the blog.  Guest writers on topics that may be out of my reach (but not really) such as granola/healthy cereals will be featured and cereal box artwork critiques.  It will be more engaging, this I think you will enjoy.

All my best,
Dr. Joe "Sommelier" T.

Cereal Review—Cocoa Puffs: Brownie Crunch

It looked at me for two straight weeks.  I kept going back to Cocoa Pebbles and Reese’s Puffs for my cereal needs.  Finally, my local grocer gave me a deal I couldn’t refuse.  I bought 2 boxes last Tuesday in hopes of uncovering a new cereal delight that would crack my rotation.

The aesthetics of the box should have shied me away but I was curious about the “brownie” looking dots on the cocoa puff.  Did they really find a way to infuse more chocolate on an already chocolaty cereal?  Are those really brownie bits? 

Short answer: Yes. 

Does this make it good?  NO.

Brownie Crunch is similar to Cocoa Puffs in every facet except taste.  It is crunchy to the last bite, the milk is chocolaty post-consumption.  However, it tastes like they tried their damnedest to infuse Cocoa Puffs with the Chocolate “chips” from Cookie Crisp and turns out it tastes like a Chocolate Cookie Crisp. 

Cookie Crisp sucks.  But that is not what this article is about.  I thought General Mills was better than this.  They are better than this.  But to try to repackage a cereal with a dab more chocolate is not cool.  Seriously, not cool.  Buying this cereal on sale was the equivalent to waiting to see a movie on rental instead of seeing it in the theatre.  It’s not worth the full price of admission.

Instead, GM should have spent more marketing dollars to pull out the Monster Cereals and get those back into rotation ASAP.  At least we know its not repackaged Cookie Crisp.  I expect better of GM in the future and I would avoid this cereal at all costs.  Unless it’s on sale, then its feasible to consume.  

Cereal Power Alley Corner

Cereal Power Alley Corner

This segment is used to convey the finer points of becoming a cereal sommelier such as myself.  It doesn’t happen overnight but with a strong work ethic, lots of free time, and dangerously high metabolism, you too can become a cereal sommelier.  Throughout the life of this blog, I will revisit what this means and what things you can work on to continue your path to becoming a Cereal Sommelier.

1.       Consumption.

a.       Eat at least 2 bowls of a sugar cereal at least once a day for 5 straight years (for best results, eat two bowls of cereal, 2x a day).  You must switch up your cereals in order to avoid Cereal Tongue, a chronic medical disease that leaves you with a permanent taste of a certain cereal even when eating a completely different cereal.  I narrowly avoided this epidemic—that affects 1 in 67 cereal eaters in the United States that were born in 1984 in Tennessee in a hospital on a Friday night—back in 2003 when I ate Cap N’Crunch for 3 straight months.   Which leads me to…

2.       Variety

a.       You must switch up your cereals at least 3-4x a month (for best results, switch brands i.e. Kellogg’s to General Mills to Quaker Oats to Post).  Not only will this combat Cereal Tongue, but it will give you a better idea of what works best for your tastebuds on certain mornings and/or afternoons and/or dinner.  I’ve had stretches of cereal eating that have started with Peanut Butter Crunch in the morning, Peanut Butter Crunch for lunch, and Apple Jacks for Dinner (got to get my fruits in at some point).  You don’t have to follow this regiment but it is highly recommended.

3.       Passion

a.       If you are not as passionate about becoming a Cereal Sommelier as fake Sommeliers of wine and beer, then stop.  This is not a degree you earn from college.  This is a lifestyle that once you start, becomes as much a part of your DNA code as X and Y.  Think about that.

There is more to this ideaology that I can certainly write about but the most important aspect of choosing this profession is the personal journey of trials (possible sugar coma) and tribulations (spilt milk) that will make reaching this goal the apex of your short and cereal-filled life. 

***If you have any personal anecdotes or a personal cereal sommelier journey to speak about, please reach out to me and I will post your thoughts.***

Popsicle Rankings, July 2011

Highly Anticipated Popsicle Rankings of July 2011

Summer is hot and so are these fine Popsicle treats that will melt in your mouth and not in your hand (too much)?  You can’t tell me when you were growing up or even now, like my-soon-to-be-diabetic Brother-in-Law, that eating a popsicle wasn’t the funnest of fun eating.  Your mouth instantly turned the color of the popsicle and always gave you an awesome sugar rush.  I have eaten over 185 different brands of popsicles from classics to hybrids (

1.     Fudgsicle

a.     Nothing scared my parents more than these things, which makes me wonder why they ever bought them in the first place.

b.     Classically awesome and delicious.  I can buy a box of 24 today and be done with them in 24 hours. 

c.      The ones with Sugar far outweigh the ones without sugar (for obvious reasons). 

d.     I’m not fat.

2.     Ice Cream Sandwich

a.     Another classic that just gets beat out due to ease of a brainfreeze when you eat them too fast.

b.     The classic is still king (Vanilla Middle) but Chocolate middle variation is very legit (why do I like chocolate so much)?

c.      Old Man Thompson’s personal favorite.  And other old people’s favorite (60+ age bracket) due to ease of eating with your dentures on, I suppose.

3.     Creamsicle

a.     This could have easily held the #1 spot and odds are at 2:1 that it will hold the top spot come August. 

b.     The biggest reason why its #3 is due to my vomit incident of 1996 in which I ate a box and a half in 2 hours.  My stomach couldn’t handle it and up it went.  I still have the awesome taste resonating.

c.      I backtalked my mom when I was 11 when she wouldn’t let me have one of these post-dinner.  Two of my finer childhood moments came at the hands of this delightful delicatessen. 

4.     Open

a.     Not one popsicle has claimed this spot.  Some are worthy but have not truly earned a top 4 distinction.  All you Push-Ups diehards need to chill (pun intended)!  Classic pops flavors such as Cherry, Grape, Orange, and Banana are also strong but they are bit too bland and not up to par to demand  spot.  Astropops were 2/3s good (the white part tasted awful).  Chocolate Éclair and Strawberry Shortcakes by Good Humor were legit and made a strong push but their abundance (only come in 6 packs/12 packs if you buy store brand) has turned me off.

b.     I really miss WWF (not E) Ice Cream Bars

c.      Cyclones and other hybrid freaks from Popsicle brand are automatically ruled out due to similar nature of hybrid Ed Hardy T-shirts.  Simply put, they don’t travel well anywhere.

Check out My First Podcast courtesy of the Bros from Ghost of Roy Hobbs

http://theghostofroyhobbs.blogspot.com/

Top Cereals for July, 2011

The Top 4 as of July, 2011.

1. Cocoa Pebbles

a. Excellent Chocolate Taste.

b. Fred shows off his biceps while also telling you "Rocks Your Whole Mouth". Well conceived, Fred.

c. Chocolate Milk Bonus post-consumption.

d. If you have a disdain for chocolate in your cereal in the morning, move to Florida and grow old.

2. Oh!s

a. Who knew graham crackers were this crunchy in milk (take note Golden Grahams).

b. Underrated compatriot of the Quaker Oats Stable.

c. Why #2? Quaker Oats has a history of cutting my mouth with its delicious cereal family.

3. Honey-Comb

a. Classically good.

b. Apparently a great source of Vitamin D. But who gives a rip? (Oh yeah, dumb parents).

c. Why #3? This is the Jeff Blauser of cereals. You know exactly what you are going to get every time you open the box. Good taste, good to the last bite, but will never wow you.

4. Kellogg's Corn Pops

a. "Gotta have my pops" sounds eerily close to a drug addiction that has yet to be concocted by smart people that use drugs.

b. Easily better in first to last bite and will not cut your mouth like its other Kellogg's Brethren (I'm looking at you Froot Loops and Apple Jacks).

c. Why #4? You can't leave off a Kellogg's brand cereal, ever. This is also a classic staple that is the Rebound Cereal. You've had a great run with a hottie (I'm looking at you Trix), but you know something is off after 3 boxes. Corn Pops to the rescue.

Things to keep in mind....

I've been having a really tough time finding the General Mills Monster Family of Cereals (Count Chocula, Boo Berry, Frankenberry). If those can make their way back into my rotation, this could make list look very interesting (same rules apply to Marshmallow Treats Cereal from Kellogg's).

The Bottom 4 (for obvious reasons)

35. Frosted Cheerios

36. Crunch Berries

37. Frosted Flakes

38. Cocoa Krispies (nobody wants your fucking Cocoa Krispies, Snap, Crackle, and Pop).

Thirty-Eight is an arbitrary number. This is subject to change. I'm just getting started. Check back tomorrow for My July Pizza Rankings.

Top Pizza for July, 2011

The top Pepperoni Pizza rankings for July, 2011 are as follows.

1.     Jet’s Pizza

a.     Although it has not made its way out to Los Angeles (and I have looked), it is far and away the best.

b.     The 8-corner pizza with its buttery crust could bring fat people to their feet.

c.     The sauce and abundance of cheese are closely associated with the 7 Wonders of the World.

d.     Their price is annoying (read: expensive) but not enough to throw them out of the top spot.

2.     Papa Johns

a.     Better ingredients, better pizza (than Dominos and Pizza Hut).

b.     When they actually put effort into the pizza it is right up there with Jet’s for the coveted #1 spot.  But when it is subpar, it is bad.  They typically shoot right at 75% from the field, which can be good or bad depending on where you are.

c.     Papa John, the person, seems like a cool guy to grab a coozie hugger with and talk about the garlic sauce for hours on end (I would bathe in that stuff if it was legal/sanitary).

3.     Dominos

a.     Revamped everything and it’s actually awesome all the way around. 

b.     The crust is the best crust out there.  It’s the best closer since Eric Gagne’s steroid filled 2002-2003 seasons in which he set the record for 63 straight saves.  Their crust does not have steroids but it is that good.

c.     I’m still somewhat scarred by the previous sauce which tasted not good.

4.     Pizza Hut

a.     Outside of their Stuffed Crust (which is lethally awesome), they aren’t in the top 3.

b.     Their Stuffed Crust Pizza is the only reason why they are in the top 4.

c.     Need to bring back their triple deck pizza and ultimate pepperoni (3 different cuts of pepperoni back in 2005).

Noticeably absent from this list are local pizzerias which would undoubtedly give all these guys a run for their money outside of Jet’s Pizza.  Mafioza’s in Nashville is legit although stupidly expensive.  Reno’s Pizza in Burbank, CA is awesomely good and priced to perfection.  I’m contemplating opening this up for top pizza in the nation regardless of chain.  More to come.

If you feel I’m wrong, send me a comment.