Cereal Power Alley Corner

Cereal Power Alley Corner

This segment is used to convey the finer points of becoming a cereal sommelier such as myself.  It doesn’t happen overnight but with a strong work ethic, lots of free time, and dangerously high metabolism, you too can become a cereal sommelier.  Throughout the life of this blog, I will revisit what this means and what things you can work on to continue your path to becoming a Cereal Sommelier.

1.       Consumption.

a.       Eat at least 2 bowls of a sugar cereal at least once a day for 5 straight years (for best results, eat two bowls of cereal, 2x a day).  You must switch up your cereals in order to avoid Cereal Tongue, a chronic medical disease that leaves you with a permanent taste of a certain cereal even when eating a completely different cereal.  I narrowly avoided this epidemic—that affects 1 in 67 cereal eaters in the United States that were born in 1984 in Tennessee in a hospital on a Friday night—back in 2003 when I ate Cap N’Crunch for 3 straight months.   Which leads me to…

2.       Variety

a.       You must switch up your cereals at least 3-4x a month (for best results, switch brands i.e. Kellogg’s to General Mills to Quaker Oats to Post).  Not only will this combat Cereal Tongue, but it will give you a better idea of what works best for your tastebuds on certain mornings and/or afternoons and/or dinner.  I’ve had stretches of cereal eating that have started with Peanut Butter Crunch in the morning, Peanut Butter Crunch for lunch, and Apple Jacks for Dinner (got to get my fruits in at some point).  You don’t have to follow this regiment but it is highly recommended.

3.       Passion

a.       If you are not as passionate about becoming a Cereal Sommelier as fake Sommeliers of wine and beer, then stop.  This is not a degree you earn from college.  This is a lifestyle that once you start, becomes as much a part of your DNA code as X and Y.  Think about that.

There is more to this ideaology that I can certainly write about but the most important aspect of choosing this profession is the personal journey of trials (possible sugar coma) and tribulations (spilt milk) that will make reaching this goal the apex of your short and cereal-filled life. 

***If you have any personal anecdotes or a personal cereal sommelier journey to speak about, please reach out to me and I will post your thoughts.***

Popsicle Rankings, July 2011

Highly Anticipated Popsicle Rankings of July 2011

Summer is hot and so are these fine Popsicle treats that will melt in your mouth and not in your hand (too much)?  You can’t tell me when you were growing up or even now, like my-soon-to-be-diabetic Brother-in-Law, that eating a popsicle wasn’t the funnest of fun eating.  Your mouth instantly turned the color of the popsicle and always gave you an awesome sugar rush.  I have eaten over 185 different brands of popsicles from classics to hybrids (

1.     Fudgsicle

a.     Nothing scared my parents more than these things, which makes me wonder why they ever bought them in the first place.

b.     Classically awesome and delicious.  I can buy a box of 24 today and be done with them in 24 hours. 

c.      The ones with Sugar far outweigh the ones without sugar (for obvious reasons). 

d.     I’m not fat.

2.     Ice Cream Sandwich

a.     Another classic that just gets beat out due to ease of a brainfreeze when you eat them too fast.

b.     The classic is still king (Vanilla Middle) but Chocolate middle variation is very legit (why do I like chocolate so much)?

c.      Old Man Thompson’s personal favorite.  And other old people’s favorite (60+ age bracket) due to ease of eating with your dentures on, I suppose.

3.     Creamsicle

a.     This could have easily held the #1 spot and odds are at 2:1 that it will hold the top spot come August. 

b.     The biggest reason why its #3 is due to my vomit incident of 1996 in which I ate a box and a half in 2 hours.  My stomach couldn’t handle it and up it went.  I still have the awesome taste resonating.

c.      I backtalked my mom when I was 11 when she wouldn’t let me have one of these post-dinner.  Two of my finer childhood moments came at the hands of this delightful delicatessen. 

4.     Open

a.     Not one popsicle has claimed this spot.  Some are worthy but have not truly earned a top 4 distinction.  All you Push-Ups diehards need to chill (pun intended)!  Classic pops flavors such as Cherry, Grape, Orange, and Banana are also strong but they are bit too bland and not up to par to demand  spot.  Astropops were 2/3s good (the white part tasted awful).  Chocolate Éclair and Strawberry Shortcakes by Good Humor were legit and made a strong push but their abundance (only come in 6 packs/12 packs if you buy store brand) has turned me off.

b.     I really miss WWF (not E) Ice Cream Bars

c.      Cyclones and other hybrid freaks from Popsicle brand are automatically ruled out due to similar nature of hybrid Ed Hardy T-shirts.  Simply put, they don’t travel well anywhere.

Check out My First Podcast courtesy of the Bros from Ghost of Roy Hobbs

http://theghostofroyhobbs.blogspot.com/

Top Cereals for July, 2011

The Top 4 as of July, 2011.

1. Cocoa Pebbles

a. Excellent Chocolate Taste.

b. Fred shows off his biceps while also telling you "Rocks Your Whole Mouth". Well conceived, Fred.

c. Chocolate Milk Bonus post-consumption.

d. If you have a disdain for chocolate in your cereal in the morning, move to Florida and grow old.

2. Oh!s

a. Who knew graham crackers were this crunchy in milk (take note Golden Grahams).

b. Underrated compatriot of the Quaker Oats Stable.

c. Why #2? Quaker Oats has a history of cutting my mouth with its delicious cereal family.

3. Honey-Comb

a. Classically good.

b. Apparently a great source of Vitamin D. But who gives a rip? (Oh yeah, dumb parents).

c. Why #3? This is the Jeff Blauser of cereals. You know exactly what you are going to get every time you open the box. Good taste, good to the last bite, but will never wow you.

4. Kellogg's Corn Pops

a. "Gotta have my pops" sounds eerily close to a drug addiction that has yet to be concocted by smart people that use drugs.

b. Easily better in first to last bite and will not cut your mouth like its other Kellogg's Brethren (I'm looking at you Froot Loops and Apple Jacks).

c. Why #4? You can't leave off a Kellogg's brand cereal, ever. This is also a classic staple that is the Rebound Cereal. You've had a great run with a hottie (I'm looking at you Trix), but you know something is off after 3 boxes. Corn Pops to the rescue.

Things to keep in mind....

I've been having a really tough time finding the General Mills Monster Family of Cereals (Count Chocula, Boo Berry, Frankenberry). If those can make their way back into my rotation, this could make list look very interesting (same rules apply to Marshmallow Treats Cereal from Kellogg's).

The Bottom 4 (for obvious reasons)

35. Frosted Cheerios

36. Crunch Berries

37. Frosted Flakes

38. Cocoa Krispies (nobody wants your fucking Cocoa Krispies, Snap, Crackle, and Pop).

Thirty-Eight is an arbitrary number. This is subject to change. I'm just getting started. Check back tomorrow for My July Pizza Rankings.

Top Pizza for July, 2011

The top Pepperoni Pizza rankings for July, 2011 are as follows.

1.     Jet’s Pizza

a.     Although it has not made its way out to Los Angeles (and I have looked), it is far and away the best.

b.     The 8-corner pizza with its buttery crust could bring fat people to their feet.

c.     The sauce and abundance of cheese are closely associated with the 7 Wonders of the World.

d.     Their price is annoying (read: expensive) but not enough to throw them out of the top spot.

2.     Papa Johns

a.     Better ingredients, better pizza (than Dominos and Pizza Hut).

b.     When they actually put effort into the pizza it is right up there with Jet’s for the coveted #1 spot.  But when it is subpar, it is bad.  They typically shoot right at 75% from the field, which can be good or bad depending on where you are.

c.     Papa John, the person, seems like a cool guy to grab a coozie hugger with and talk about the garlic sauce for hours on end (I would bathe in that stuff if it was legal/sanitary).

3.     Dominos

a.     Revamped everything and it’s actually awesome all the way around. 

b.     The crust is the best crust out there.  It’s the best closer since Eric Gagne’s steroid filled 2002-2003 seasons in which he set the record for 63 straight saves.  Their crust does not have steroids but it is that good.

c.     I’m still somewhat scarred by the previous sauce which tasted not good.

4.     Pizza Hut

a.     Outside of their Stuffed Crust (which is lethally awesome), they aren’t in the top 3.

b.     Their Stuffed Crust Pizza is the only reason why they are in the top 4.

c.     Need to bring back their triple deck pizza and ultimate pepperoni (3 different cuts of pepperoni back in 2005).

Noticeably absent from this list are local pizzerias which would undoubtedly give all these guys a run for their money outside of Jet’s Pizza.  Mafioza’s in Nashville is legit although stupidly expensive.  Reno’s Pizza in Burbank, CA is awesomely good and priced to perfection.  I’m contemplating opening this up for top pizza in the nation regardless of chain.  More to come.

If you feel I’m wrong, send me a comment.